Several years ago, I took an informal poll on Facebook. It was answered anonymously and involved either a yes or a no answer to this question: Do you consider yourself to be lonely? Not all, but most of my Facebook friends have a strongly Christian background. Many attend sizable Bible-believing churches. A good number have matriculated through Christian schools and colleges. They’ve spent much time among kind and caring people.
And yet, the vast majority of the responders to my poll answered affirmatively to my question. Loneliness can weigh heavy. I know because if I were to have answered my own inquiry, I, too, would have answered yes. Does that surprise you? I mean, I have been actively involved in at least six churches/faculties, four of them being good-sized ministries. I’m living back in my hometown. I have over a thousand Facebook friends (my writing platform) and know over 95% of them personally. The rest of them are friends of friends who have requested to follow. The majority of my on-line pals have requested my friendship because I still feel awkward sending friend requests. (I’m improving with that a bit, though.)
How in the world could I feel lonely? Well, it happens. (And caregiving has not helped — though I wouldn’t change it.)
Well, here’s the good news. I looked up “loneliness.” The very first thing it said was that loneliness is considered normal. Isn’t that wonderful?? In at least one area, I’m considered “normal”! Everyone at some time or another feels lonely. And that’s not a bad thing.
As a matter of fact, lonely times of life serve some important functions. I seriously believed I would remain single. I had accepted that and totally embraced it due to the point God makes in I Corinthians 7:34-35.
The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.
I threw myself completely into serving the Lord in my teaching and in my church. I do not say that with any pride. It was simply what I enjoyed. I needed to do it. And then God decided I needed a life mate with whom I could serve more effectively together than apart. Thirty-eight years ago this week, I became Mrs. Jon Mark VanderWier. And, if I do say so, we’ve made a pretty good team.
And here I hurry to note, I did not become more worthy because I married. God saw me as entirely worth dying for as a single girl. But He knew my ministry would be more productive in tandem with Jon. I had not felt overlooked before marriage. I must admit that I had periods of deep loneliness, but those were not wasted times. They were focused moments, growing times, character-polishing years. I am thankful I can look back and see how God used that period in my life. I value those days. I needed them.
Marriage doesn’t necessarily cure loneliness. Obviously a good marriage provides companionship, and I am blessed to have the best! Jon usually hits a good balance between goofy and serious. Too much of either one would drive me bonkers, so I’m grateful for his balance. We are honest with each other and enjoy serving together. God has honored us with wonderful children and in-law children, and six precious grandchildren. I’m honestly blown away. (And still so surprised I ever got married!) But even happily married people can feel lonely at times. It’s normal.
What I have learned is this: don’t fight feelings of loneliness. Learn from them. During my most alone days, I’ve found my heart much more sensitive to the needs of others. I’ve found more personal depth in the promises of Scripture. Some of my most creative ideas are born in solitude. Goals define themselves more clearly without the distraction of others. My perspective becomes more realistic. And I feel the promptings of the Holy Spirit more keenly. I find peace and quietness for my weary soul.
So, loneliness poses no problem.
The problem comes when I continue in loneliness. When I make solitude my constant habitat. When I dwell there as if I had no friend. Pity party of one.
God stated in Genesis, right from the beginning, that He didn’t intend man to be a non-social being. He created a companion for Adam, someone with whom he could chat about the day and dream about tomorrow. The book of Proverbs speaks much about the importance of friendship and of being friendly. After all, without others, I would have no ministry! The people in my life are my ministry.
And here’s the sweetest news. As God’s child, I’m never alone. God is my constant companion.
For He hath said, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5
I may have shared this before, but it bears repeating if I have. In my childhood, I knew an older lady named Miss Ellig. She was the sweetest soul. I remember asking her one day, “Miss Ellig, do you ever get lonely?” She had a huge grin on her face, and she leaned forward to give me her answer. “Linda, if I ever start to feel lonely, I put my thumb inside my other fingers like this and pretend I’m holding God’s hand!” It might have looked like a fist to others, but to her, it was a treasure. I’ve never forgotten that conversation. And I’ve even practiced it at times. God is always with me. He’s never ashamed to be seen with me. He never gets bored with my companionship. He is always interested in what I’m interested in. He gives me perfect counsel.
Loneliness? I used to struggle with it. And I do have periods of melancholy when I feel overlooked or left out. But I refuse to stay in that pond. I take hold of Jesus’ hand and swim for shore. I am exceedingly blessed by His constant, loving gaze upon me.
How incredible!